Making Up, But Not Make Believe

Hey girl, it’s Crystal! Do you like personality tests? It seems like everywhere you turn, there’s another personality test trying to tell you who you are. They should come with a warning label: there’s a risk to using them, especially if you are prone to looking outwards to establish an identity. As a former identity-seeker, I’ve used personality tests to prove to others that I fit into a mold that was specific to their requirements. Taking these tests, I would second-guess myself and choose answers that I thought would be most accepted. I wanted my results to fit the modern-day culture in order to land a job or promotion or to fit into a desired group.

I made the biggest mistake when I manipulated the results of my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test as part of my application for an honorary representative leadership role in college with the Student Ambassadors Leadership Program. I felt that I was supposed to answer the questions in a way that showed what I wanted to be and not who I actually am. To be a part of this organization, I knew I needed to be the most well-rounded student possible—the face of the student body. Thus, I fabricated my personality into a mask deemed by what the world I live in wants to see in me. I chose majors in medical professions that did not showcase my personality, nor did these majors lead me to my true calling and potential. I wore a mask to try to accomplish something I desired, making believe I would be accepted amongst the majority and appear successful. I needed to be validated by our ever-competitive, ever-judgmental society.

Perhaps you have had a similar experience. Let’s talk about why this type of masking happens.

Masking is a pattern of influence dictated by short-term labels and their corresponding textbook definitions, such as graduate, manager, partner, mother, artist, and so forth. The labels may lead you to indoctrination—never questioning the roles you have become accustomed to. Sadly, very few of us ever get to a place where self-exploration is appealing or desirable; however, without questioning, how will we know what we truly believe and who we truly are?

While basic routines help us be productive in adult life, letting routine and repetition consume our whole day can threaten our creativity. We each have our own unique music to make in this world. We don’t want that needle to get stuck in the groove of the record, where our music becomes nothing but a droning sound devoid of meaning. Each day, we can end up repeating the patterns of the previous day: wake up, wash your face, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, go to work, and eat dinner. For some of us, that is all we are comfortable managing; I was also a victim of this lifestyle.

I fell into this category without being aware of how this repetition was holding me back from being innovative and unlocking the music within me, my true potential. I remember always saying to myself, “I don’t want to start a business” and “I just want to work for someone and get a steady paycheck” until I realized that mindset prevented me from truly creating the life I desired: to bring forth change in this world.

Can we fix it, or are we just stuck?

The answer lies in rewiring and molding ourselves into the people we are meant to be. Self-exploration is an ever-growing process. If we have been programmed by our family or friends our whole lives, our identity eventually becomes imposed. And without the freedom to express ourselves, we are creating a life that is not truly ours. We are limiting ourselves if we aren’t examining our likes or dislikes, wants or needs, and beliefs or disbeliefs.

To fill this emptiness and gain a sense of control in my life, I attempted to enroll in a doctorate program. I even took traditional courses just so I could aid my mental and emotional health instead of recognizing that the resources for change lie within. This path was not intended for me at the time. I became attached to my education, my job, my projects, and my relationships. Since I was not confident in my intrinsic value, I was terrified by my lack of prospects. Labels became synonymous with how I viewed myself, and I did not see my value apart from those very labels. At the time, I did not know how to remain present within myself or “enjoy my own company.” When left with nothing to accomplish or strive towards, I became anxious and felt dejected, searching for some way to take action. The fruitless struggle for identity through the attainment of wealth and status became too overwhelming, and I eventually shut down, unable to commit to the process of “doing.”

I had to learn to accept who I was at my core and work on all aspects of myself. Once I began to take ownership of my own personality and identities, I was able to have intimate relationships with myself and others. I started to build confidence in who I was and not what I was told or molded to be. I became my own true self: quirky, playful, nonconforming, introspective, curious, risk-taking, and honest.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see me for who I am, not merely a reflection looking back: not a poet, not a master’s student, not a top-performing seller, not an artist, and most importantly, not someone making believe that I need the approval of dominant, judgmental society. I see the true me: Crystal—flaws, scars, potentials, talents, and everything else that has made me, ME!

I want to help you step out of conditioned roles and become open to multiple interpretations by harnessing a mindset of critical thinking and constant questioning. Even though I felt restrained for years, I ultimately know it is possible for you to achieve liberation. I have discovered a path towards the realization that I am enough. We get into routines of fitting into roles we choose or are assigned to us but which ultimately keep us boxed. I will help you break out of the roles you’ve taken on and take ownership of your life by discovering and leveraging your personality. The end result is a more wholesome understanding of mind, body, and soul.

Are you ready to turn your back on society’s cruel, unfair labels? Do you want to be led by your own self-perceptions? I invite you to turn away from that mirror of self-doubt and journey with me to find who you truly are. You got this; now let’s go, girl!

Xo,